#1: Coronavirus: Searching Within to Discover Our Way Through the Pandemic
In these times, how does a person, let alone a pregnant mother of three, navigate the pandemic? How does she go about keeping her children safe and without fear, healthy and happy?
On March 7, 2020, before mandatory quarantines and closures began, we recorded this conversation with our guest, Marlana Qualls, a senior student of Dr. Stuart Bernstein, who said,
“I know my responsibility is to not be in fear.”
How does she do this? How do any of us do this?
We begin to explore this topic in Episode 1 of The Last Healer Podcast, the first of a two-part discussion on meeting fear and anxiety during the COVID-19 pandemic. We explore the choices each of us has, moment to moment, in confronting the invisible-to-the-eye virus.
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Transcript
Episode excerpt:
(00:00):
”This past week and the week before, I laid in bed, just in so much fear. I had so much fear, like how do I know if my kids are susceptible? How do I know if it's safe to go to karate if it's safe to go to the dance studio, if it's safe to go to the library? How do I know that? And I was to this point where I was like, well we just won't go because I don't know for sure. And I felt so stifled. And, um . . .
Then what came in for me was I don't need to be up and bracing. I don't need to be up in my fear like ready for battle, cuz that feels really bad. My responsibility is to sink down and see what's there. Not looking for anything, not looking for anything at all. Just seeing what's there, being really open and receptive, and then that way I feel like I'm previous to what's okay and what's not okay. If that makes sense.
(01:20):
Welcome to this episode of The Last Healer, a podcast dedicated to helping us return to our original nature. With us today is Dr. Stuart Bernstein with longtime student, Marlana Qualls.
The Last Healer, who might that be? You. We are each our own last healer. When medical intervention began thousands of years ago, all that was needed was a word from another person to right the imbalance. And that person wasn't necessarily even a medical practitioner. Today, a few people are attempting to return to living in this way to life as a full person. You'll hear about their journeys in The Last Healer podcast, where we speak in unscripted conversation with individuals who have set upon this course. In our conversations, they arrive at new insights and understandings in real time during the podcast.
May the words spoken in today's podcast spark a long dormant way of knowing, hidden within yourself, and help you right your course.
Dr.Bernstein (Dr.B) (02:38):
Corona is, by definition, a halo surrounding a celestial body.
Coronavirus is an agent of change.
But why now? And what will be the nature of that change?
One thing I can say with a certainty is that the coronavirus is accelerating the climax of a journey we collectively began thousands of years ago, a journey to the far reaches of separation. As I speak, elderly human beings are dying alone in isolation rooms, separated from their loved ones, from humanity. Not good.
Recently, I spoke with a friend living in San Francisco who said, upon observing people in the city withdrawing into states of quarantine, leaving the world as we know it, that perhaps when the time comes, we will rebuild our anthills upon wiser, gentler, more humane, more intimate, consensual foundations.
At his words, I recalled my first words, the word being our primary tool for transformation: My family was on a Sunday drive, heading toward the mountains. Suddenly, our car began descending faster and faster down a steep hill, whereupon I joyously said, “Here we go.” At the bottom of the hill, our car climbed uphill into a world previously unknown to me.
Today, uncomfortable and ill-at-ease as we are feeling, our collective reality, like it or not, is, “here we go.” For me, the halo around this celestial body we inhabit is my certainty that the choice for what our lives will become resides in our hands: Will we seize this moment to begin creating our anthill anew or will we plunge into greater chaos and confusion?
During today’s podcast, you will likely hear Marlana Qualls and I repeatedly addressing, directly or indirectly, what my teacher referred to as a human being’s “motive vibration,” that being one’s motivation behind any given action, as an aspect of that person’s motivation for being alive.
My students practice making choices from first searching within, placing 90% of their attention in that direction, in contrast to the 90% attention most people direct outside themselves. It is from searching within themselves—moment to moment—that my students identify and adhere to a given feeling, then act upon that feeling—this in contrast to what we commonly practice in our world, that being to fixate upon a given phenomenon and then react to that phenomenon.
These two expressions of a human’s motive vibration reside 180 degrees apart, in the process creating profoundly different worlds.
I encourage you to feel the words you are hearing today, rather than try to figure out what we are talking about—feel our words to search how they are affecting you.
For example, is your body feeling more relaxed or more tense? Are you feeling more spacious or more troubled? Are you feeling energized or drained? Angry or relieved? More concentrated or more dispersed? Like that.
Dr.B (06:49)
Marlana?
Marlana Qualls (MQ):
Okay. So normally I don't pay attention to pandemics. They just don't really draw my attention. They don't really come into my world, but for some reason this one has. And it's been a challenge at best because I'm seeing too, I'm seeing so many different ways that people are dealing with it. I'm seeing a lot of fear take over, and I'm seeing a lot of people kind of not — brushing it away as well, like not making it a big deal. As well. So there's like two polar opposites there, I think.
And then, so I've been asking myself what my responsibility is because I've had fear come up around it. It's very scary.
So my biggest question today is I know that my responsibility is to not be in fear. Like, if I'm in fear, then I'm in separation and I'm in reaction and I'm not in the present moment of knowing what my responsibility is. But I want to know, well, then what do I do? If I'm not in fear where, how do I know that I'm, how do I know that I'm navigating my ship appropriately? Where do I get that information from? If that makes sense.
Dr.B (08:50):
Yeah, absolutely. Okay. And so I'm going to ask that today more than ever, we move from within.
MQ:
Okay.
Dr.B:
And, and if, if we, if something from without is calling us, the things you've been seeing, for example, absolutely speak to them. And then we'll again, we'll, we'll assess them from within. Okay?
MQ (09:16):
Okay. So here's what I've been working with. That's what I've been doing since this week’s beginning is I noticed what's going on around, around me and the collective. And I, I've been sinking into my belly and, and when I'm in my belly, I don't feel troubled. I actually feel something very good. I feel, I feel that's all I can say. And I've been wondering, you know, do I need to go to the store and load up on groceries? Do I need to be sanitizing my kids all the time? What's my responsibility? But when I'm in my belly, I'm not feeling those urgencies, if that makes sense. I'm not feeling the inspiration to run to the store and buy a bunch of stuff.
Dr.B (10:23):
So when you're not feeling that urgency, do you begin to wonder about yourself?
MQ:
Yeah, yeah. I start to see, I start to think, am I going to mess up? Am I not like, am I, I'm in denial? Am, am I not getting the severity of this? And then also the other side of it is what are, what are people doing to stop this? Like what are, what are the professionals doing to handle this? And when I feel those, that, that stuff, I feel panicky and raised up and not at ease. It doesn't feel like I'm in my, my place, per se. It doesn't feel like I'm where I need to be to be responsible, like really responsible, not like over-responsible, but like previous. And so—
Dr.B (11:27):
What do you mean by previous?
MQ:
Okay. So for example, this past week and the week before, I laid in bed, just in so much fear. I had so much fear, like how do I know if my kids are susceptible? How do I know if it's safe to go to karate if it's safe to go to the dance studio, if it's safe to go to the library? How do I know that? And I was to this point where I was like, well we just won't go because I don't know for sure. And I felt so stifled. And, um . . .
Then what came in for me was I don't need to be up and bracing. I don't need to be up in my fear like ready for battle cuz, that feels really bad. My responsibility is to sink down and see what's there. Not looking for anything, not looking for anything at all. Just seeing what's there, being really open and receptive, and then that way I feel like I'm previous to what's okay and what's not okay. If that makes sense.
Dr.B:
Yes.
MQ:
So like I was very worried about going in to teach on Thursday to my dance studio cuz there's a lot of people, there's a lot of germs. Do I need to go in early and sanitize all the bars, the ballet barres, do I need to go in and like do I need to wash my hands and make my students wash their hands constantly? Like, like this is a like a close contact art, you know, that we practice there and they are, they hug me and you know, and my greatest fear is not me getting it but my children getting it. I'm don't feel worried about myself. And so, but what I realize is when my energy is up and I'm trying to figure all that out, I'm, I feel really bad. That's the bottom line is I feel really bad. And so I just let my energy drop and proceeded to go to the studio and everything felt fine. I did wash my hands cuz they started to feel dirty. But like I wasn't in fear. It was more just like I was in the moment. I was feeling the kids. Some kids came in and they were sick, you know, and I — my fear didn't take over because I was grounded. I was grounded and I was kind of clear where I stand . . .
Dr.B (14:20):
So some of the kids were sick. That could be a real problem, could be a real problem. So what made it okay?
MQ:
What made it fine was, well, for example, anytime I'm around somebody who's sick, I use my discernment. I don't, I don't engage with them very much anyway. Like I just don't, I don't, I keep my healthy boundary and so it wasn't any different really like, okay, you're sick. And I said, do you feel contagious? You know, I want to know. No, I don't feel that way, I just don't feel well. Okay. So they just sat down and watched class and I didn't touch them, but it wasn't out of paranoia. It was just out of my normal everyday way of meeting my life.
Dr.B (15:11):
You were going to use the word “Shinpo,” I think. Yes? Would you like to talk about it?
MQ:
Okay. About. So Shinpo for me is like my body's envelope and like the — my protective energy around myself, and I use that—
Dr.B:
How far out does your body's envelope go?
MQ:
Mine doesn't go out very far. I've learned that that's not healthy for me to make it go out very far. So it's kind of like a barometer of like how far I can extend and of what can come into my body. So it's like that.
Dr.B:
So what, what works and what's appropriate.
MQ:
Yeah. It gives me a cue about that. It gives me like a …
Dr.B:
So it's giving you information?
MQ:
Yeah.
Dr.B:
So with some of the kids who are sick, you don't reach out?
MQ:
I don't reach out. No, I, I'm very, like, I keep my Shinpo in and I'm not cold or anything to them, but it's just, I don't want to accept what they have. I just don't, I don't want to take on what they have.
Dr.B:
Okay. And how do you, how does that work for you?
MQ:
Pretty well, I don't get sick. The only time I get sick is if I'm not—
Dr.B:
So if you're Shinpo, if you're, if you're in touch with what your Shinpo is telling you and you're not going beyond that boundary, you don't get sick.
MQ:
Right. Okay. Yeah. I don't get sick.
Dr.B:
So it's giving you that information.
MQ:
Yeah. Yeah.
Dr.B:
How have you learned to use that?
MQ (16:49):
Through trial and error. [laughter] It really has been a, through a lot of that, but it's by being really in touch with what I'm feeling like in my physical body, like what my physical body is feeling and where my, what I'm feeling inside, like not being in my head but really feeling what I'm feeling and then choosing to respond appropriately, like feeling how to respond appropriately to those feelings instead of reacting to what I'm feeling, if that makes any sense. Yeah. So, and like every morning I will say that I wake up, it's been heavier. It was heavier earlier in this week than it is for me now. But I would wake up and I would feel the fear of this Coronavirus coming and taking over and us all having to be isolated basically, staying in our houses and not able to go out into the world. And I would feel that fear and I would say, okay, well let's, I'm just going to step outside and I'm just going to feel the day. I'm just going to feel what's in the space. And every time I've done that, so far it's felt spacious and it's felt open. And I don't feel that, I don't feel that I'm in, I'm in danger.
I am aware that like there's people now in Colorado with Corona, like I am aware of that, but what's my responsibility? But I don't feel like it's any different than any other sickness that I'm not interested in accepting. And I also feel like the reason why this virus has caught me has to do with a wound that I have around fear of loss and death. And so I, you know, I hear, oh, it's killing these people. It's killing these people. There's actually somebody we know who lost an aunt. Their aunt lived in Iran and she passed away from it this week. So it's hitting closer to home. And it can be very scary for me when there's death or medical emergencies involved or, or situations where I feel helpless that I can't control an outcome of somebody's life. And so mainly my children's. And so that's where I get hooked with it. And that's where my work with it is. I feel like acknowledging the wound and what I'm feeling and then dropping down into my belly to know—
Dr.B:
What's real?
MQ (19:47):
What’s real and using my discernment there, yeah, yeah. So, and it's funny because people, the people who I, I feel like everybody's carrying fear around it. Even if they're like, you know, this is just, I've heard people say this has just been blown out of proportion. “This is just no different than all these other things that have come up before that I don't even know about. It's really not any different than this except for it's more contagious. But I'm clear I'm not going to get it.” Like even those people who are saying that, I still feel their wariness around it all to think everybody's kind of worried.
Dr.B (20:35):
So what is it, what's going, what is the source of the fear of this contagion? There's a fear of catching it and this is a huge contagion at this moment. Yes. What is behind the collective fear?
MQ:
That people are going to get it and die and that the whole world is going to be taken over by death from a — from this virus.
Dr.B (21:08):
What's behind the virus? That fear? Why are we so susceptible now?
MQ:
Oh, I see what you're saying. Because immune systems are so weak these days, collectively. I feel like people are a lot — like there's so many different diseases and so many different illnesses and viruses these days. And so—
Dr.B:
Why?
MQ:
Well, because people are not healthy. [chuckling] They're not taking care of themselves.
Dr.B:
So how do you guide your family in taking care?
(22:00)
MQ:
Well, just yesterday we talked about, well, we had this conversation that in our world right now, people aren't taking care of themselves. People aren't upright. And so there's lots of germs and lots of ways to get sick. And I asked my kids what our responsibility was and my three-year-old told me, “We need to use our discernment.” And so [laughter] “these people aren't using their discernment.” And so what I really tried to do—
Dr.B:
And those weren’t just words from her.
MQ:
No, I mean she meant that. Yeah.
Dr.B:
She knows what she's saying.
MQ:
Yeah. She knows what she's saying. Yeah. And my boys agreed. So it was good.
Dr.B (23:00):
How do we use our discernment? How does that work?
MQ:
So well, what I tell them is I, I said, first of all, I have a confidence that I’m, that I have the tools to support them with anything that might come up, like with any doubt or any anything that they're struggling with. And so that's helpful. But we've, we've talked about that we don't have to take on people's illnesses and that the way we help ourselves is by taking care of ourselves, by eating, and they'll, my kids will tell you that we don't eat sugar, don't eat dairy. We eat very healthy. And we rest, and we take care of our constitutions and our spirits, but not out of fear, out of necessity, like out of this is what we want so we can be healthy. And that also I think is a big part of this Coronavirus thing is that, that's kind of, if there was any doubt that what you need to do to stay healthy, I feel like the Coronavirus has kind of lit a fire to like keep that at the forefront of your intention every day, if that makes sense. But not out of fear. The motivation isn't fear. It's out of, it's out of, okay, well what's my responsibility here? It's like that.
Dr.B (24:55):
And responsibility being the ability to respond to whatever it is you're called to. Is that it?
MQ:
Yeah. Yeah. And what, whatever's appropriate. Whatever's, whatever's in the collective, whatever is, you know, whatever, whatever's going on. The appropriateness of it. Yeah. So that's what I can say about that part.
Dr.B (25:33):
So discernment, what did your daughter mean? What, what, how does, how does your family, how do your children exercise their discernment?
MQ:
By feeling our choices and feeling if the choices are making us happy and healthy or if they're hurting us and not just within ourselves, like yes, within ourselves first and foremost. That's where you get the information from. But also in how we engage in life, how we engage with each other, how we, um,, even just make choices on how to spend our day to day time together. So that's how we really feel those things. And as a mother, I'm, you know, I, I try to really tap in and feel like what the family needs for food, what, where everybody is, where rest and sleep needs are. Where moving energy needs are, where creative energy needs are. You know, like—
Dr.B:
Like moving energy, what’s that?
(26:48)
MQ:
Like moving energy. Like we need to go outside and like be in nature, moving energy like the boys have sometimes big energy that they, they need to move. And how do they do that? And they've actually found like this way with each other where they come up with these games, very contact sport. But they were there working with Shinpo. I don't think they realize it, but they're working with each other's boundaries and respecting each other's boundaries. But they're able to move all that. Boy, you know, that boy energy that I can’t participate in right now just cuz I'm pregnant. But they, they have a really good way of creatively moving that stuff into a place where they can feel settled. You know, it's like that.
Dr.B (27:43):
They feel the energy, they move it, but it's not being aggressive.
MQ:
Yeah, no, it's not being really aggressive. And if it starts to tend to that way someone feels it in the home and we speak to it and then it gets shifted. But they're very, pretty good about it and really pretty good about each other's boundaries. Like, if one of the boys starts to feel (the) other boy being too aggressive, he'll speak to it and the other boy knows that if he doesn't change, the game's over, and the other boy knows that he has a right to not participate if the other boy won't change. And so it diffuses the fight very quickly. Yeah. But they love each other. It's so funny. They, I'm so glad they have each other. [laughter] So yeah, that's how we use it. Our discernment.
Dr.B (28:34):
So what about fear? It's an emotion.
MQ:
It's a feeling, I would say. I would say that you feel it in your body. Like it's, yeah, it's, I would say that's true. What I've learned, so with you is that you are feeling it, but you need to ask yourself how it's making you feel. Where in your body is it and what's — I have to like dive into it and feel like the motive vibration of it. What my body's physically feeling like. And then I can use my discernment to say, this is fear and I can't follow it. And the, the, the red flag for me is that it makes me feel bad. That's when I'm like, okay, this is not something good. This is fear or doubt or worry. And I think those are all the same. And so that is not where I let it go. It's negative.
Dr.B:
So it's negative affect.
(29:39)
MQ:
Yeah. Negative affect can't be good cause it doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel right. And the thing I've learned, and I'm getting so much more confident about this, is that every time I don't follow that, every time I let that go, I'm so much happier and more confident in my purpose. Yes. And every time I follow what's in my belly, I, I don't feel like I've ever been wrong.
I feel like it's been, I feel like it's been very, I've just had lots of experiences where I'm, I've been educated through those experiences that the negative affect, the fear, all of that, really does me no good. And when I, if I spend time there, it's really draining to get my spirit back to whole. Like, it's really — if I'm in fear and I can't break it, like use my discernment enough to break through it, then for a few hours I'm going to feel really sad after that and really depleted and really kind of needy in a way, you know? And that's not good for me.
So, yeah, yeah and I think that I still sometimes have doubt around, well, if I'm feeling it, isn't it real? Like, cuz I'm feeling this fear and am I feeling fear or am I feeling danger. So knowing what, yeah . . .
And so then what I do is I sink down to my belly and lately I don't even ask a question. Like I don't even say . . . Okay, for example one of the kids had a cough and I felt all this fear of like, I wasn't even thinking of Coronavirus at that time. I just felt fear and I was like, well, is this, is this child okay? And I didn't even ask myself, is that child okay? I just let my energy drop down with the intention of feeling them. And then it comes in that everything around me is fine. Like, I feel an ease in my belly, like an ease when my energy is down. And so, well, that's what I can say.
Dr.B (32:30):
Indeed. So on the next podcast, we will pick up where we left off today.