Caravan to a Hike During Covid19 "Safer at Home"
We are happy to bring you the following essay from Brenda Meether about how she navigated a recent experience by using her discernment. Her story shows us we are not hopeless in the face of COVID19 as long as we set to activating our long-dormant capacities, the very ones that help make us full persons. Thank you, Brenda.
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Last Friday a family member called and said to me, “Can we meet tomorrow and go for a long walk on a nearby trail? I’m really struggling living on my own these times and I’d love it if we could bring a lunch to our walk and find a place to picnic.”
He usually eats dinner with us once or twice a week but in the last two weeks my husband has been in home-preventative isolation after he had to fly out of state to attend to helping his father. My brother said, “I can’t wait for that isolation period to be over; I miss our family dinners.”
When I got his call and request, I felt “Hmm, being outside is different these days. People are restless, maybe even rebellious on some level. How do I navigate my life and family needs while it’s still dangerous?” I also asked myself, “Would my sensing ability still come in even if I’m tired?”
My doubt about not becoming distracted was this: Would I convince myself I was safe when indeed I wasn’t? And what if being tired also dimmed my sensing?
This doubt came in on the heels of another incident. We have coyotes in our neighborhood. I have found that I can feel their “vibe” before we come across them. I will be alerted to their presence if they are too close, and often stop to take stock of the best route home if what I’m feeling is getting stronger. I do this because my dog can get very excited around coyotes, and I prefer not to do that to him, plus I don’t like being near them.
One recent dusk evening I took him for our last walk of the day. It was a cold night, and I wanted to make this a quick one. As we began, I told myself, “Let’s take a left here, down this street” despite the fact that I felt something come in. It was like there was a resistance to taking that route, and also I felt a “mean” kind of vibe that is my signature “vibe” of coyote. But my mind said, “I want to get this walk over with and this is a fast route,” so I brushed my feeling aside.
Looking back, I remember feeling rigid in my body, tense, unsettled. I was willful, and also angry at myself for not taking a moment to listen.
Just as soon as we turned the corner that “mean” vibe became very strong, and only then did I heed its message. I immediately turned around, my dog was now becoming jumpy and wary, and we felt something behind us. I couldn’t see anything, but we did move out of the way in time to see a coyote run past us in the street. We were in his way. He also looked sick.
So our picnic and walk plans were forming on what park to go to, and I was still searching “will my mind override my sensing/feeling abilities during these continued days with COVID19?” Our reality is very different now, our lives have a sense of the wild in them.
The answer for me was this: For my energy to settle so that I can follow any sense of danger I must not be in a place of fear and I must not feed any “escape” mode mentality. COVID19 is calling me to stay present in the moment, every moment. These days are also asking me to get more rest or sleep.
On the afternoon of our hike my brother arrived at our house. We all drove three different cars to a nearby lake and trailhead because my husband was keeping six feet away. It felt horrible to be so separated like that. I didn’t sense that he was ill, and that was confirmed after his two-week period ended a few days later.
When we arrived at the trailhead parking lot it looked like it was full, yet in a serendipitous moment three cars pulled out to leave just seconds after we pulled in! I relaxed. It felt okay to be there in that moment.
On this day too, my uncle’s funeral was held (out of state) a few hours prior. My brother and I were able to hear the funeral service limited to ten people live streamed earlier that morning. My uncle had been in a nursing home and three weeks ago began fading very quickly. Relatives have yet to tell me if it was COVID19. I sense that their pain was too much when they called earlier in the week.
Our hike, a few hours later, was not “back to normal” as I was sensing that many people around us were wanting. We wore our masks, we honored social distancing, and I was vigilant in not letting myself “escape.” I checked in often with my belly and I also made sure I was feeling my feet. This was moment to moment.
Our trek was around a beautiful lake, and as we were almost full circle back to the trailhead something screamed a message to me from inside. It stopped me in my tracks. I felt danger.
The vibe was very clear, I felt that “going this particular direction is no longer safe.” I felt resistance going in that direction. The vibe was dark, black, heavy, and scary. A few days after this experience I spoke with Stuart Bernstein. He said “You felt death.” He also said, “But you felt it ahead of time. It was giving you ample room to maneuver to safety.”
Feeling the danger, I told my family, “I am wary of that group over there, and I’d like to head back in this direction instead.” Just seconds before, my brother had said to us, “I want to visit the dock again” (near the one group). He started to head in that direction but my husband, seeing how more people were gathering there, piped in after me and said, “I’d like to go to the car now. Let’s walk away from the dock area.” At this point my brother allowed himself the reality of things and hearing my husband's words brought him to feel the situation. Then we all headed to the parking lot taking an opposite path.
We had a group effort, and we walked away from danger, yet I was not 100% satisfied with our family communication. It seemed sloppy. Our lack of intimacy afterwards so troubled me that it was another concern I shared with my teacher, Stuart.
For me, I feel it’s my first priority that we know how to let our desires subside and not play games with our world anymore. This is a life or death issue.
My brother’s desire to “go see the dock one more time” was in the vein of “I miss our freedom like we use to have.” Everyone is missing their freedom. I feel strongly that we cannot let this propel us blindly these days.
This is something we did not bring up in our family time after getting home; I didn’t feel an opening. Instead I felt everyone subsiding into distraction and phobia. I did not like this; it is not a good foundation. Perhaps they will feel open to more intimacy at a different time, and we can come back to feeling everything about this outing together.
I feel it’s important we practice intimacy and sensing things with our families. I myself do not want to carry any doubt into the arena. In practicing, we can learn to stand in confidence when we’re hiking or running errands, to feel and share, “Hey wait a minute, I’m feeling danger up ahead. I can’t determine exactly if it’s that particular group or not but I know the more we walk in this direction the danger feeling gets stronger inside of me.” My family did this to the most part but there wasn’t a complete accepting that we’re in a new world. I sensed a denial of our responsibility and even denial that when we reached the parking lot we were safe again, though the crowd felt distracted.
My husband has a phobia now. He’ll change clothes after being outside in the public, as well as let nonperishable groceries sit for longer than 72 hours before touching them. When I feel him in this place, I sense a lot of inner chaos, frenzied fear, and a focus on the news and distractive habits.
My brother prefers to keep things light, to laugh and joke, though at the beginning of our lunch he was more in tune to the people on the dock. Something let slip later for him.
I wanted to feel more of this strange new world with them, I wanted to feel things from our inner wisdom together. Our world is not going to change any time soon. As a matter of fact, I feel it’s requiring us to change.
For most of our walk I felt safe, alert but safe. I didn’t have to go into over-thinking to be inthis place; the warning of danger came in naturally, even though I was tired.
I feel it’s important we begin practicing our honing skills, like I have with coyotes. More and more it’s vital for me to silence my thoughts, guide myself from my gut instincts, feel my feet, and stay in the belly.
As for the funeral of my uncle earlier that day, because I could not be there in person, I made sure during the hour of the funeral that I was sitting quietly. In doing so I could digest and allow the loss; I also felt the pain of my attending family. This was not any easy day.